Author Archives: Chanel McLeary

The words we use and the ones we don’t (even silence speaks volumes).

Focusing on the spoken words, whether it be via mouth or text has the ability to encourage or discourage someone.

A seed (word) planted in the right conditions will grow.

It depends on whether you want to encourage or discourage?. It will either grow like a beautiful flower that keeps returning each year or it will grow thorns that will stick and prick the person.

A harsh word can cause a person to develop anger but a word spoken in love and encouragement can develop into hope and growth. 

I’ve been both the giver of an encouraging word and a receiver. I can tell you it was like life to a weary heart and needed in that moment in time.

I’ve also been the giver and receiver of a harsh word that hurt. It’s a horrible feeling knowing you have discouraged someone. You see I suffered with clinical OCD and anxiety it was crushing. Whilst not an excuse I would responded to stressful situations with negative response and projecting fear of the future. I am now on the other side of that thankfully.

You see I speak words that are life giving, a pep talk to myself if you like.

I was very negative to be around during this time always fearful and it began with my family speaking a lot about sickness and very pessimistic. They were problem watchers.

Let me tell you friends if this was your experience with family growing up. It’s not normal and we should not normalise this kind of living. As the saying goes misery loves company.

I took a journey of release and discovery shaking of the entanglement of negative words spoken over me and that includes words I’ve spoken over my self. I ‘choose’ to walk a different path, a lighter path. The word ‘choose’ is key here because it’s a decision, a change of heart and mind. Then we walk in it.

I try to be conscious of what I say and don’t say to others. I do get it wrong sometimes but what I don’t try to do is beat myself up about it, at least not for too long anyway. I know I don’t do it intentionally and I apologise. If we allow ourselves to jump on that train then it’s a downward spiral from there. Down there is where negative words live. We don’t want to go down there. It’s like a dark scary basement.

So the first start is making a decision to become conscious of your words to others and to yourself. The key also is to be aware of how others speak to you too. If they can’t be kind it’s time to set boundaries. (If it’s an abusive relationships seek help safety).

Second is to have pauses when you speak to hear what you’re going to say in your head before you respond out loud . This is something I am actively working on. We won’t get this right all of time though.

It’s something to build on and the thing is not to get to frustrated if you make a mistake or it becomes counterproductive.

Go out into the world and plant some good seed. I heard it also can come back to you tenfold.

Chanel x

We probably imagine being corrected as a child and frankly what child likes to be told off?

As children we often move on quickly after being corrected but can develop resentment and lack self esteem. As adults we develop an offence and completely miss genuine lessons when there is one.

If a boss corrects us we tend to internalise it and ruminate for days or months. You may even shudder at the thought of a conversation with someone who corrected you.

I certainly did for many years. Growing up being correct constantly made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and this turned into reinforced pattern of thinking.

So everytime I was corrected whether right or wrong I took offence missing the message completely.

This leads to good corrections missing its meaning and learning.

When the lines were blurred between bad or good correction. I was caught up with being offended. I missed the lesson with the signs whether this was a genuine person or if the person didn’t have my best interests at heart, I was reactive. Once the offence period was over I would often venture back and reconcile because you believe you’re always the problem or made to think so. This way of thinking gives way to inviting narcissists and manipulation in to your life and often missing the genuine good people.

It was all blurred. When you have a healthy way of viewing offence you see the correction for it’s true intention, no blurs just truth. You see the love of the person guiding you.

With correction we need to not internalise as that leads us to catastrophizing.

Externalising correction leads to protection.

We should first hear what’s being said then process the information by seeing who is delivering the correction and the heart behind it.

Questions like-

Is this said in love?

Does this person want the best for me?

Are they trying to help me improve?

Do they often belittle you?

Rude or arrogance?

Constant put downs?

They can’t find anything good to say ever?

Side comments in front of others?

Gaslighting?

First I would like to say the latter is not someone who has your best interests at heart.

Work needs to be done to develop a healthier response to correction. We will always be a work in progress. Correction will be great from people who mean well, we will succeed in that easily. But with others who don’t mean well will take a bit of work, to deal with it better. Sometimes the old pattern responses will creeps in and we’re ruminate but when it does we learn to spend less time in that place of self pity.

It’s not about perfection but about learning to foster better responses.

There often is something that triggers the way you process correction in a negative way. If you internalise like I often did, you can change this. If you get angry or withdrawal you can over come this.

Don’t accept this as just the way you are. We grow from accepting good correction. It helps us learn. If someone who genuinely cares says ‘oh I find it hard to say things without you getting offended’. That’s not negative that’s a call to look at your behaviours and work on making changes and have more positive relationships.

A tutor said to me ‘oh you waffled abit in your essay remember to stick to the question’. I took it on board because I know she was correct and I appreciated her directness, she wanted me to do well.

What my tutor said has helped me apply this into other parts of my life.

Ask yourself next time you come against correction does this help me grow or make me low?

Externalising correction can be your protection.

Chanel x

You know the saying ‘the past is the past’. It’s not as easy as this is it?

One things for certain the past holds us back big time!

We’re essentially aiming for increase or growth, whilst looking back at the same time.

If we walk and look back we’re going to bump into something and that something is old patterns, pain, discouragement, bad habits and fear.

There’s things in the past we can learn from and there’s things in the past we run faraway from because it doesn’t bring out the best in us or those around us.

How do we leave the past behind?

Well you have a number of options-

• Speak to a trusted friend

• Coach

• Therapist/counsellor

• Walk yourself through it and make a decision to quit living in the past.

The last isn’t easy but it depends on what happened in your past that is affecting your future.

People use many self help books, I did but it didn’t always work because I didn’t apply what I learnt. Sometimes I didn’t know how too, due to the complexities of what was written and how it fits my situation.

Everyone has a past but it’s not always fond memory for some. Working through these challenges helps release what you’re carrying.

Imagine wearing a backpack with 20 small rocks and walking for miles. Then picking up more on the way. Eventually you won’t be able to carry it and you can’t ask anyone else because it’s not their backpack. This is the same with your past.

You will come up against other challenges (that’s the hard part of life), but if you’re already carrying other rocks it’s going to feel overwhelming when you add more.

I should know I did this many times and what happened burnout……….

I was signed off from work for 6 weeks it was horrible. It was like Niagara Falls coming from my eyes. I wanted to stop crying but I couldn’t. A pattern of insomnia began for many years following.

Just like the book the ‘body keeps scores’ believe it really does. Another interesting fact, your brain can’t tell if you’re actually going through something for real or if it’s just a thought. Psychologists have discovered this!.

But you can make your first step to freedom today, you know longer have to look backwards but to press on towards the future.

Decide what help you will need and take those first steps.

Chanel x

Before we beginning I would like to ask you a questions, your goals and aspirations (personal or professional) how will they impact others and you?.

In others words ‘will it bring good fruit at the end of it?’

I would never want a client or anyone for that matter to pursue something that doesn’t seem like it would produce good fruit as an outcome.

Many things around us have been created out of self elevation for power purposes, to just get rich and things built on lies and deceit. Things that keep people bound and in consumerism by the marketing techniques.

It only drains us and doesn’t add value to ourlives.

These people who have these goals tend to become empty at some point but leave a path of destruction behind.

Producing good fruit is the heart posture needed. This applies to all goals and aspirations knowing that we’re adding to the lives.

It doesn’t matter what your goal is chef, builder, entrepreneur, stay at home mum or dad, charity worker, student, environmentalist, car engineer. Whatever, this concept applied will produce good fruit.

Chefs who put love into their food will likely have a good restaurant. People will gather around tables sharing stories, anniversary’s and maybe a proposal or two. Lives impacted in various ways and making good memories.

Builder working on a newly wed couples house, working on someone’s forever home for their retirement. Building someone’s dream home. It’s more than just a home.

Entrepreneur making a product that has a personal touch that will touch the hearts of others. People buying the products to give as gifts to love ones and friends. Service base business entrepreneurs offer change in helping people to gain freedom in areas personal, professional.

Stay at home mums or dads raising children who will go into the world and make an impact. Turning children into young adults whilst putting up with tantrums in young children’s and teens but still teaching them I’m here for and love you builds good people and character.

Charity workers working to bring a message to the public whilst making an impact in the lives of those hurting and struggling. Making them feel seen and comforted in a time of need and beyond.

Students studying with the hope of stepping into a field of work that will hopefully make a difference in the lives of others and their own. Some students are the first in their family to go into further study after school. Their breaking chains and giving the young generations below them ideas of dreaming again about what they could do.

Environmentalist they do care about the planet in a special way. I had the honour of meeting a lovely group of students l. They aim to understand how they can approve air quality for others. If these students and others like them continue to care so much and look to solutions they will improve the quality of lives for many.

Car Engineer and mechanics their not just building or fixing cars but their giving people life lines to get jobs, visit friends and families keeping connections, go on holidays when time of air travel is not always accessible for every person and family. People living in their cars and caravans it’s a life line.

A lot of goals start with personal goals and then it extends to professional. They’re both entwined.

How will your personal or professional goals and aspirations impact your family, friends, customers , community (online and offline)?

We don’t really need to talk about bad fruit because we know if it’s next to other good fruit it all goes rotten.

So keep all your fruit good and ripe for at the right time you will reap a harvests. The harvest won’t just be for you but for others too.

Chanel x

One things for sure practice does make us better at things. What I don’t believe though, is humans can be perfect. If we lean on trying to be perfect it sets up unrealistic expectations that can’t be met.

Like the perfect partner-

This puts pressure on them and us to perform constantly even when we’re having an off day which can deeply affect and sometime damage relationships.

The perfect child-

Parents no child is perfect and this idea puts undue pressure on our kids to perform for us and not share their struggles for fear of disappointment.

The perfect parent-

I gave up striving for this a while ago, feeling like was spending more time trying to fix what I believed I messed up. Instead I opted for an imperfect parent relationship. If I am wrong I apologise and move on. They’re aware of my struggles and vulnerabilities (once they reach ages they can understand). It makes you human and shows adults do mess up and have insecurities too.

The perfect friend-

Don’t say what you think they want to hear tell the truth in a kind way and when they ask for your opinion. We worry so much about how it will be recieve but truthfully if it’s said in love and care it’s coming from a good place. .

The perfect business owner-

We can’t make our services and products perfect. This one hurts it really does especially when you pour so much into it. We can only do things to our absolute best and with love for what we do. The rest we have to just trust and have faith it will work out well. Which it will eventually…….

The perfect worker-

If you’re competing against others in the workplace I would go as far to say, it’s about working to the best of your ability as an individual. Those in charge will hopefully notice your works but if you feel your constantly over looked, maybe it’s time to search for an alternative and dust your feet off and go where your good efforts will be appreciated. (But secure somewhere else first unless you’re in a position finaically to step away right away.)

The perfect body-

Keeping fit by training our bodies starts with the inside. Getting healthy from the inside out. I’ve tried various things cutting down meat, being a vegan and only eating organic foods but I became so hyper focused about it and that wasn’t healthy for me personally. So now I am just food aware and eat with the intention of fuelling my body with what it needs to help me show up well from the inside out. I eat meat but I am moderate about it and organic foods at times but again, moderate. You may have a completely different diet because it’s not about any of us striving for a perfect diet it’s about our personal bodies and what is needed in a balanced way. As I practiced what worked best for my body I learned much along the way.

When we practice something, we are trying to improve our knowledge of how to carry out that task to the best of OUR ability. Not someone else’s.

I’ve done classes over the years and remembered when I did Art and Design A Levels. During lessons looking over at others work because honestly I wasn’t the best drawer or painter not like the other students. I spent most of my time in comparison mode and it wasn’t pretty in my mind. The way I spoke to myself. If I could tell my 17 year old self then that nothing is perfect and your striving is going to get you nowhere fast, would I of listened maybe not. But if I had that knowledge naturally ingrained then I would have enjoyed the classed more. It didn’t help that the tutor said I am not the strongest drawer in the class as if I didn’t already know that. Did I mention I lived on the same street as my tutor so each time I saw her I did the awkward ‘hi’ smile.

Neither the less I got my A Levels and passed. I’ve became more creative over the years and love art.

You see I didn’t have to be perfect and I got my qualification anyway. I spent time just trying and that’s practicing in motion.

When you practice you open yourself up to possibilities of being better at something. That feeling of achievement when you know hard work and tears went into it does hit differently than things easily gained.

With practice you learn how to not do something which is just as important. We have the recent generations striving for perfection my heart goes out to them. That’s why hammering home that practice is important element of life. Don’t just run off to the next thing.

Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes people. People who are resilient, learners, overcomes, achievers. It humbles us and gives us the tools to help others in a similar situation.

Who knows what possibilities might come out of it. I learned to crochet recently and whilst I felt very happy with my achievement, figuring it out but the best was the calm time it gave me.

Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes people learn.

Chanel x